Step 1: Slow your roll. When you notice that you are feeling angry or hurt about something that is upsetting your child, take a beat. Train yourself to take some deep breaths and table anything that doesn’t represent imminent danger. Don’t worry, you will come back to it and deal with it. It’s not to be swept under the rug.
Step 2: Pay attention to yours and your child’s emotions. Take stock of how you are feeling about the situation and how your child is feeling. Be CAREFUL not to project your feelings onto your child. Really notice the actual emotions your child is expressing. Express empathy to your child, but do not discuss the plan for addressing the issue yet.
Step 3: When you are calm, make a plan (involve your child in this step if he/she is mature enough to contribute) for how to handle the situation. Then follow through.
Example: Lily is 6 and in 1st grade. She gets home from school and is visibly upset. She tells you that Grace took her markers (the ones she just got for her birthday and took to school yesterday, for the first time) and won’t give them back. You ask if she went to Ms. Johnson and she says that Ms. Johnson just told them to work it out themselves. Lily was unable to get her brand new birthday markers back and doesn’t want to go to school tomorrow.
Option A: Give Lily a hug and tell her that it’s not fair and you are going to call Ms. Johnson right now and get it straightened out. You call the school and arrange an emergency meeting with Ms. Johnson and the Principal first thing tomorrow morning.
Option B: Give Lily a hug and say “Oh Sweetheart, what a rotten thing to happen. You really love those markers.” Allow Lily to express her feelings while you reflect back with empathy, but don’t project your feelings onto her. Then you say: “Let’s get a snack and let our hearts settle down for a while and then we’ll figure out what to do together.” After dinner you talk through the options with Lily and the two of you decide that tomorrow you will walk her into school and be strength for her as she asks Ms. Johnson to help her confront Grace and request that she return her markers.
Option C: Give Lily a hug and say “That really sucks. Sorry that happened to you Lily, but you might as well learn that life isn’t fair. Things like this happen all the time and there isn’t much we can do. Come on, let’s go buy you some new markers. Grace can have the used ones. Maybe we’ll get some ice cream on the way home too.”
Validating Lily’s feelings and helping her to calm down and then make a thoughtful plan teaches Lily that she is capable of solving problems and standing up for herself when life deals her a bad hand. Rescuing her teaches her that she is incapable of caring for herself and she will continue to be a victim. Let her know that you are here to be her advisory committee any time she wants to work something out, but that you are not going to fight her battles for her because you believe in her ability to do that herself.