Kids gloss over once we start to lecture. They tune out and hear nothing. But this is important stuff that we need to tell them, right? Then keep it super short.
Get out a notebook and write out all that you would like to say to your child on a particular subject. Then grab a red pen and underline only the VERY MOST important parts. Ignore every single word that isn’t absolutely necessary. Rework sentence structure as needed. This is what you say to your kid. One or two sentences is all. Ask them for their thoughts on what you just said, and open your ears and hearts for what they might say.
Example: “Every time I look into your bedroom I feel a thrumming in my chest and a shortness of breath. My minds goes to dark places filled with ants, and mice, and roaches, and who knows what kind of bacteria that must live on the dirty dishes and in the filthy socks. I work hard to keep the rest of this house to a standard that prevents the inhabitance of rodents and bugs so I would appreciate if it you wouldn’t negate all of my hard work by being a disgusting slob. I want to respect your privacy and I want you to have a space of your own, but this has just gotten out of control. We need to help you figure out how to keep your room to a much higher cleanliness standard. Let’s sit down this weekend and make a plan for you. I love you and want you to feel comfortable in your own home, but I need to feel comfortable too.”
“Messy rooms invite ants, mice and cockroaches. I want to respect your privacy while also preventing pest infestation. Please think about this and let me know how we can accomplish these two objectives.”
Give the kid a day or two, then ask: “Have you thought about your bedroom situation? How can we compromise?”
Invite them to come up with solutions first and be willing to try them. If they aren’t working out, then go back to the drawing board with: “The plan isn’t working. We need another solution.”