I think the number one most important thing we can do as parents is validate our kids. Validation is like a suit of armor for those times when they’ll have to defend themselves against self-doubt, and life’s hard blows. The more we validate them, the stronger their armor is as they navigate the world on their own.
As parents, we want to protect our kids from pain, but sometimes we accidentally harm them by fighting their battles for them or telling them not to think or feel a certain way. Sometimes we say things we regret which stem from our own inner voice of insecurity. If we’d been validated more as children, perhaps we’d be able to respond to our kids with more patience, thoughtfulness and respect, and could drastically reduce the number of parenting regrets we have.
So what does it mean to validate our kids? It means showing them through our actions, as well as our words, that they matter. It doesn’t mean we have to agree with them all of the time or condone choices that we don’t approve of. It means that we acknowledge their right to their own feelings and thoughts, just as we assert our own.
Sample scenario:
Parent: “It’s your turn to do the dishes tonight.”
Kid: “I have too much homework, I can’t do them.”
Validating:
Parent: “You sure do get a lot of homework. It must be stressful to manage it all.”
Kid: “Yeah, it’s ridiculous. There isn’t enough time in the day. It’s like every teacher thinks they are the only one assigning homework. I hate it!”
Parent: “You hardly have any downtime. How about we split the dishes tonight. I’ll do the pans and plates, and you can wash the silverware and glasses. Sound okay?”
Kid: “That would help a lot. I might be able to fit in all of the dishes and my homework. I’ll let you know.”
Non-validating:
Parent: “If you’d gotten straight to your homework instead of playing video games when you got home, you’d have plenty of time. We talked about this and you agreed to do the dishes three nights a week. It’s your turn. It’s not negotiable.”
Kid: “You don’t get it at all. Fine! I’ll do the dishes; just quit nagging me!”
Parent: “I’m sorry you think I’m nagging, but I’m just trying to follow through on our agreement. The real world is not going to cut you slack when you decide you don’t feel like sticking to something. That’s not how life works and you need to get used to the idea. You’re soon going to be out there on your own and you need to know these things.”
Kid: “Not soon enough.”
What’s ironic, is that this IS the way the real world works: most of the time when people feel validated, they will respond in kindness and consideration of others, and look for ways to show their appreciation. It’s like those Coca-Cola commercials where the smiles and helpfulness and courtesy is passed on from person to person throughout the day. Just because the world doesn’t often reflect those commercials, doesn’t mean that isn’t a world we should strive for. Validating our kids not only helps them to love and value themselves, it teaches them how to love and value others.
Imagine a world in which every single person felt that they were enough; they had positive connections with other people; they had control in their own lives, and they felt their life had meaning. How might validation of every single child change the future of our world?