Thankfully, there is a lot of research happening about childhood trauma and how it affects all of us. I believe that the most valuable information to come out of this research is the information about the protective factors that can mitigate the effects of adverse childhood experiences. Research is showing us that we can do things to help children who are experiencing trauma – even if we only interact with them on a weekly or monthly basis.
Children who experience trauma can grow up to be healthy, productive, happy parents and members of society if they have people in their lives who make them feel loved, accepted, validated and celebrated. We can be those protective factors in the lives of the kids we know who are dealing with harmful home circumstances.
1. Be specific in your praise: “One of the things I love most about you is how you always keep trying to find solutions, even when it seems hopeless. Remember when you built that lego tower and it kept falling down, but you worked at it until you figured out a way to make it stay up? You are strong and tenacious.”
2. Validate them: “I heard your dad say he thinks you’re stupid. That must have really hurt you. I want you to know that he is wrong. You are smart (give example). Just because people who are supposed to love us say mean things, does not make them right. When you hear him say those things, I want you to hear my voice in your mind telling you I think you are smart and kind and wonderful.”
When we are told the same things over and over, we begin to believe it, whether it’s good or bad. If we are also hearing conflicting messages, we are forced to evaluate the truth. Be that other perspective. Provide the mitigating evidence that helps a child believe in his worth and in his future.