Whether it’s your eight year old saying that her teacher knows more than you or your eleven year old is embarrassed to be seen in public together or your fourteen year old yells at you that you are the worst parent ever or your sixteen year old changes from a lovely conversationalist one moment to a snarly, stinging scorpion the next, try not to take it personally. Really. It’s not about you, it’s about them.
It’s about pulling away and becoming an individual. They take out their worst emotions on the people with whom they feel the safest. It feels awful and seems completely unfair that these kids we pour our hearts into can turn on us, but it’s what happens. Take heart, they come back. If we handle these moments with grace and don’t make them into bigger issues than they are, our kids will return to us. They return with more maturity, wisdom and stability.
This is not to say you should tolerate rude and hurtful behavior. You should address such behavior with a calm, detached emotion, and remember that it’s nothing personal. It’s a stage and it’s normal. You may calmly say something like:
“You have a wonderful teacher and I’m glad that you are learning so much from her, but it hurts my feelings when you talk to me that way. Please think of a nicer way to tell me what you’re feeling.”
“I’m going to get some shopping done. Where should we rendezvous in one hour?”
“This conversation is no longer productive. I’m going to take a break and we can talk again later. I don’t want to be spoken to that way.”
“I’m going to get started on dinner. I’ll let you know when I need help setting the table.”
When they are at their emotional worst, we can be at our best by remembering not to take it personally. Anticipate that all kids are going to have moments that sting. Be a good role model and deal with it calmly and swiftly and then move on.