“I’ve been thinking about how I make decisions when you ask me for something. Sometimes I say ‘no’ when really it could be a ‘yes’ and sometimes I say ‘yes’ and then think about it more and feel I’ve made a mistake. So then I have to take back that ‘yes’ answer which really upsets you. So, I’ve decided that from now on I will need time to think it over before I can give you answers to your requests. You may ask me, but you must also give me time to think it over before I give you my decision.”
Children are master manipulators. This doesn’t mean they’re evil; it just means they learn very quickly how to get what they want. This is completely normal and healthy. However, it’s the job of the parents to make decisions in the best interest of their children. This means recognizing and anticipating the ways in which our children manipulate situations to get their desires met and knowing how to remain in control of the situation.
Our kids know exactly when to ask for things (when you’re on the phone, at the check-out aisle, in front of other adults, as you’re running out the door…) and anticipate how you’ll respond. They know you hate it when they ask in such situations, but they also know that when you are preoccupied you are more likely to give in to them. Instituting a new family rule of giving you time to think it over before answering can be the solution to the problem. Have the above talk with your child when everyone is calm and the child has not just made a request. Then, have an automated response (“I’ll think about it and get back to you by bedtime tonight.”) ready for every request to come. If the child fights you on it or suggests that he can’t wait and needs to know now, calmly explain that if an answer is absolutely necessary right now, the answer will be “no.” But if the child can give you a few hours to think it over, the answer may be “yes.”
Obviously, this doesn’t pertain to every situation. There are plenty of times when a small request can be answered in the moment, but if it seems like anything that you should think over carefully, have your automated response ready and your child will quickly learn to wait for the answer.