You are familiar with the concept of attachment parenting, right? The idea that when we are present and responsive to our babies and young children, they will grow to be healthier people, capable of healthy relationships later on in life. What if we were to apply these ideas to how we nurture our relationship with our significant others? Why would we be willing to put in the work for our baby or toddler, but not for our significant relationship? Let’s assume we are willing; what does it look like to attachment relate?
We respond to our baby when they cry because we understand that they don’t have the words to tell us what’s wrong. What if we look at our communication struggles with our partner as difficulty using the right words to express our needs? When we struggle to communicate, we are unable to get across our needs and often unable to hear the needs of the other person. But if we respond with love (eye contact, undivided attention, a hug or hand on the shoulder, providing a snack…) it may not matter that we don’t understand what’s wrong. What matters is that we are present and attentive to whatever it is that the other is experiencing.
When our toddler is having a tantrum, we may not understand why they are so upset, but we go to them and say “It’s really frustrating right now. You are mad/sad. I can sit with you so you aren’t alone. I will wait with you until you feel better. I can hold you if it helps you feel better.” When our significant other is upset and we dont understand why, we can sit with them and validate their feelings and just wait until they feel better (through talking it out or going to their cave and hiding out for a while).
Attachment is about letting the other person know: I’m with you and you are safe with me. I may not always know the right thing to do or say, but I’m here with you, I love you, and I accept your struggles along with your bright moments.