One of the things I notice a lot in our twenty-first century parenting culture is the array of choices parents give their kids. Kids are offered open-ended choices for so many things today that once upon a time they weren’t given any choice about. For example: “Where do you want to go to dinner?; What would you like to wear to school today?; Where do you want to go today?; What should we do this weekend?”
These sound like perfectly reasonable questions to ask our kids, and may even feel like we are respecting their ideas and feelings by making them a part of the decision-making process. However, what I am noticing is that kids are having so much control that they are becoming confused about who is in charge and who has everything under control. I am seeing more and more kids who are anxious, irritable, and defiant. There is an unconscious, underlying worry for many kids today. They have so much input into the family decisions that they are unable to just be kids and play. They have too much emotional responsibility and are carrying too big a burden for their young emotional selves.
A different approach to offering choice to kids is to allow them input once there are only a few options: “Would you prefer spaghetti or stir fry for dinner?; Of these three outfits, which do you want to wear today?; We’re going to visit grandma today, should we stop for ice cream afterwards?; Let’s make a list of ideas for adventures this weekend and then Daddy and I will pick which one we can do.”
This allows us to respect our children’s feelings and give them practice with decision-making without handing them more responsibility than they are ready for. Children need to know that the adults in their lives are in control and taking care of everything. Giving kids too much say can seem like freedom when really it’s a burden.