One of the best techniques for dealing with children who want something they can’t/shouldn’t have is to give it to them in fantasy. This works really well with kids of all ages – even teenagers! The idea behind this is to empathize with their very real, very strong desires while also teaching limits and responsibility. Let’s take a look at some different age groups and some examples of how we can give them the fantasy to help them cope with the reality.
Preschooler: “I want that big kid bike, I can ride it, I know I can!” (Bike is adult-sized)
Parent: “That is a really neat bike! Wouldn’t it be great if we both could have one and if they had secret magic wings that popped out and we could fly all over the town and go visit Grandma and Grandpa in no time?” (Distraction and Giving it in fantasy)
10 year old: “Why can’t I take the bus to the mall with my friends after school? Jen’s parents let her and we’ll be in a group.”
Parent: “It does sound fun to be able to go to the mall with your friends all by yourselves. I think that with your math-loving brain and great ability to read maps you could manage to get to New York and back without any help at all. I would love to tell you ‘yes, have fun’ and I know you are totally capable to do it. I just wish I was more comfortable with the bus situation and the other people riding it. I think I need more time to get comfortable with the idea. I could drive you to the mall when I get off work though. I’ve got some shopping to do anyway…”
17 year old: “Check out this car I found on Craigslist! It’s got a lot of miles on it, but it’s been my dream car since I was a kid! I think I just may have to buy it, even if the insurance is more expensive. It’s just too good to pass up.” (Older sports car without a reputation for longevity)
Parent: “That is a very cool car. I can see why it’s always been your favorite. I always wanted a ’67 Mustang Shelby, olive green. Did you check out the insurance rate? I’m not sure if they are more expensive when it’s considered a ‘sports car.’ Let me know what you find out and make sure to Google the reputation and maintenance. It is very cool looking. I’ll cross my fingers for you.”
Kids tend to be impulsive. They get excited and wrapped up in a moment, but given some time will usually come around to practicality. Be patient and allow them the fantasy for a few hours. Don’t be the buzz kill. We may be able to see the drawbacks right away, but it will take them a little more time. They need to be allowed to be excited and joyful for a while, before reality sets in. It’s our responsibility to guide them through good decision-making so we do have to point out the harsh realities from time to time, but not allowing them a beat to enjoy it will inevitably lead to arguments and tantrums. Give them a few moments of fantasy to lessen the blow of reality.