The most challenging aspect of parenting two boys who were about 2.5 years apart was the fighting. I couldn’t stand to hear them hurt each other, be it through words or fists. I was continuously letting myself become triangulated in their disputes. What I’ve learned since they’ve grown up is that by getting involved in their squabbles, I hindered their ability to work things out and learn how to compromise. What a travesty. Thankfully, they have grown into kind, thoughtful young men, but I, no doubt, slowed their growth in the art of negotiation.
If I could do it over, this is how I’d do it.
First off, let me say that I know myself and I wouldn’t have the ability to just let them fight it out without any intervention. So what I’d do in the heated moments would be to remind them of the art of negotiation (which would have been discussed with them at some earlier time, over dinner, and when everyone felt relaxed). I’d have the rules of negotiation printed on a poster for reference.
Rules of Negotiation
- We are each entitled to our own opinion – don’t try to change my mind
- We each deserve to speak our side – without yelling or being condescending. We take turns speaking.
- We always speak to one another with respect and consideration – rudeness is not acceptable. If I’m unable to remain clam and respectful I will ask to postpone the negotiation.
- We must come to a compromise that we can each live with
- We must be able to agree to disagree
It is certain that I would fail sometimes, but I would try my best to be consistent and let the rules speak for themselves. I’m ashamed, and humbled, to admit that as a parent I went so far as to take my kids’ favorite Magic cards away for a year because they resorted to physical aggression a fourth time (the rule was: once – lose cards for a day, twice – lose cards for a week, third time – lose them for a month, and yep, the fourth time = one year). I was very good at following through so I had to stick to it, but boy did I feel like a fool. My grown sons still like to bring up how irrational that consequence was.
Oh, the fresh lens of hindsight. If only I knew then what I know now. Sorry guys.