Relationships require a lot of negation and compromise. The most important factor in negotiating with one’s partner is respect. When we feel respect and kindness toward the other person, we are open to hearing their point of view. In relationships, it is incredibly important to learn the art of kind negotiation early on, while we are still reverent of one another. Once we get to the stage where we are highly aware of the other person’s faults, we may find it increasingly hard to be open to their ideas. That little voice in our heads will be saying: “They don’t know. Just look at what they did the other day. They always do that.” When we enter a discussion with these thoughts in our minds, we unconsciously decide to defend, rather than listen.
There are going to be lots of times where we will have to figure things out together in our relationships, particularly when we have goals we wish to meet together. We might begin by taking a look at each partner’s strengths and weaknesses to see how some tasks might be accomplished more easily for each person. This can be a great opportunity to show appreciation and affection for one another as we each take the time to point out the other’s strengths. I highly recommend letting each person point out their own weaknesses. This conversation should be supportive and uplifting for both parties and not inadvertently lead to an argument. If either partner is feeling defensive, take a break.
Based on the information gathered above, decide on some roles that work best with the personality types of each person. If a task is more detail-oriented, assign the task to the details person of the two. Assign deadlines if necessary, and then DON’T micromanage each other. Agree to reevaluate how things are going after a set amount of time and wait until then to discuss any concerns.
Keep in mind some generalities about male and female brain differences (caveat: men and women are more alike than they are different and there are always exceptions to the rule so these are just GENERALITIES).
In general: men want to be appreciated for their efforts, whether big or small, as they put a lot of thought and effort into what they do and take pride in their work. Women want to be appreciated for the magnitude of their efforts since they have a tendency to do many things in a short period of time due to their multitasking brains. Show appreciation based on their “Love Language” as described by Dr. Gary Chapman. If Words of Praise is your partner’s love language, be sure to say you love how much easier your life is because of the job that was done. If gifts is the love language, stop and grab a candy bar or that hat they were admiring the other day to show your appreciation. If the love language is touch, greet them with a long hug when you come together at the end of the work day. Whatever it is, show appreciation in the way that the other person needs it.
The key to negotiation is to think of the other person’s perspective and engage with the conversation in an open-minded, and kind-hearted frame of reference. All relationships have their ups and downs and getting bogged down in noticing one another’s flaws only leads to frustration. But if we take the time to notice each other’s strengths, we may notice we not only feel more respect for one another, we fall a little bit more in love.