Teens can be frustrating to live with sometimes. Their cleanliness habits, diet, choice of leisure activities can drive us crazy. They are old enough now to make these decisions for themselves, but they still live in our house and we have standards! A lot of books will suggest writing up a contract for the teen to sign, but I don’t like this idea. I think it feels like a threat and teens, especially older teens, want to be treated like an adult. So I think it needs to be approached with respect and courtesy in the way you would approach a conversation with another adult. Keep in mind that you are laying the foundation for a lifelong relationship with your adult child. He should always feel that you are a source of advice, a sounding board, that you will always have his back. This doesn’t mean, however, that you should compromise your standards. You need to be respected too.
Step one: make a list of the things that are driving you nuts and then cut the list down to two to three essential issues. The length of your list is inversely proportional to your chance for successful solutions.
Step two: Arrange a time to sit down together and talk with your teen. Ask him when he’s available to talk about a few housekeeping issues that have come up. Tell him you want to sit down for ten to fifteen minutes, sometime in the next day or two. When would work for him?
Step three: At the designated time tell your teen that living with other people can be challenging sometimes so you want to talk about a couple of things that have been on your mind lately. Perhaps he has something he’s been wanting to talk about as well? Make sure to mention some of the things that make it easy to live with him. Appreciate what he does do.
Tell him the two or three things on your list and let him know that you need to find some solutions. He will probably say “Okay, I’ll try to remember to do this or that.” If you think it’s unlikely that he’ll remember, suggest putting a sticky note next to the problem areas with gentle reminders until new habits are formed.
Step four: Thank him for taking a minute to talk it over together.
Use few words. He wants to be treated like an adult and he doesn’t want to be lectured. Pretend you are approaching your great grandmother who you adore and respect immensely, but who leaves her dentures next to the sink every evening. You need to talk to her. How would you approach her? You are not kowtowing to him, you are modeling kind, respectful ways of approaching a difficult conversation.