Many parents are frustrated when parenting their teens because they continue to parent and discipline the way they did when their teens were kids. Okay, technically they’re still kids. But would you really consider an 18 yr old an adult? Yes and no. Teens are neither kids, nor adults. They are at a crossroads between childhood and adulthood. Their brains are exploding with new neural connections and they are learning at the rate they did as toddlers. They are incredibly capable, yet often impulsive. They are stubborn, yet often furiously compassionate and justice-minded. One minute they are delightfully thoughtful and helpful, and the next they are selfish and thoughtless. Yep: totally normal and part of the necessary growing process and preparation for independence.
Here are a few tips:
Be grateful for what they give and don’t take their offenses personally. Really, I mean it. It’s not you, it’s them.
Expect that they will spend much of their time to themselves or off with their friends. You are secondary for now and that’s normal. It doesn’t mean they love you less, they are just finding themselves and figuring out where they fit in the world.
Have faith in the lessons and values you have brought them up with. This is a hard one for many parents. They worry so much about what their teens are up to and get frustrated by their inability to control where they are going and who they’re with. Reality: they are going where they want and with whom they want. The truth is that most teens will lie to you to keep you from worrying. They feel confident that they will be safe and sound. They don’t want the lectures and they don’t want to hurt you. Instead of berating them with questions about what they’re up to and where they’re going, ask more about what they are thinking about and their interests. Talk music, politics, current events… but don’t ask too many personal questions. You really can’t make them do/or not do something, so take heart in knowing that you have instilled good values and they will make decisions in their lives based on their own moral code (which you helped build the foundation for).
Keep your opinions to yourself if they differ from your teen. You’re only asking for an argument that you won’t win. For example: don’t comment on a new hairstyle unless you really like it. Do not comment on their friends unless it’s positive. Try to find things you like about their changing style and be genuine about your compliments. Every generation has some new, annoying trend. This one may be the sagging pants. Don’t lecture your son on how the sagging pants trend came about, just ignore it.
This is a temporary phase that will work itself out over time. However, this is a NECESSARY phase. Teens need to figure out who they are and where they belong. No one can do it for them. Enjoy the self-expression and be patient.
Remember that finding out where they fit into society is a critical step towards self-actualization (achieving their full potential). They can’t get there if you put fences along their path so that they never stray. Some straying is part of the confidence-building and empowerment of growing up. As young kids the fences should be tall, but as they grow, the fences should shrink to allow for building on the foundation you have laid.