Thank you for teaching our children how to be self-reliant, to think for themselves, to be independent, and to strive for more in their lives.
I’ve had many sleepless nights worrying about my kids when they were with their dad. The reason I worried was that I was trying hard to be intentional about every parenting decision and to always do my best for them, whether it was their diet, exercise, time away from electronic screens, participation in nature, education experiences, family time playing games, meals together, etc. it was a fact that his philosophy was different from mine and he wouldn’t be convinced to get with my program.
But I have come to an understanding: he has given them skills that I haven’t. He has taught them self-reliance and how to get along in challenging circumstances. He has taught them how to take care of themselves in a way that ultimately complimented my style. Whether you are a single parent, have shared custody, or are married, but have differing parenting philosophies, it can be very challenging to raise children when the other influences in your child’s life won’t get with the program.
Many of my clients spend a lot of time fretting, angrily complaining, pulling out their hair, and crying over the actions of their children’s other parent. They worry about the influence the other parent is having on their children. They worry how they’ll turn out and whether they are safe. It can be terrifying, but the reality is this:
You can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do.
This is both frustrating and liberating because although you may want to control the experiences your child has and ensure enriching, healthy, morally acceptable encounters, you can’t make your ex cooperate. In many cases, your ex may go against your ideas just to spite you. So how is this liberating? Because there’s nothing you can do to change your ex. No amount of reasoning or begging or manipulating is going to ensure his/her cooperation. So there’s no sense in fretting over it (unless, of course, there are crimes being committed in which case the authorities need to get involved). What you can do is prepare and empower your children and teach them how to deal with challenging or unsafe circumstances before they come along and accept that there are many philosophies out there that work.
Just as you would talk with your kids about the dangers of peer pressure, talk to them about all of the situations that are important to you. Be proactive and empower your children with information and good sense so they make their own healthy choices for themselves.
Remember that you can give them everything they need when they are in your care and even though they must spend time in what feels to you like an inferior environment, they may learn lessons from that other parent that you aren’t teaching. You aren’t going to be able to control your child’s life forever anyway, so you might as well start preparing them for how to handle things while you still do have the influence.